First of all, Jappy Princess wanted me to be perfectly clear that
THIS WAS NOT A DATE. Jappy Princess would never go out on a date with
a pathetic worm like me no matter what I buy her and I should just be
glad that she even answers my calls and accepts my gifts.
I've been begging Jappy Princess to go out with me for months now,
but she always said that the only way she would ever be seen with a
loser like me is if I bought her a new Mercedes, so I finally broke
down and did it because she's right: I am a loser and the only bit of
sunshine in my life is her radiance and the things I can buy her,
which she appreciates for about five minutes. The more she tells me
what a loser I am, the more I love her. I got her a mint condition
fire-engine-red 1978 500SL ragtop, which she says is her favorite
car, and now it's mine too, though she won't let me sit in it unless
I buy her a second one for her house in Boca. I'm looking into a
second mortgage.
I wanted to go out on Saturday, but she said, "Why would I ever waste
a Saturday night going out with a limp-dicked loser like you?" And
she's right, why should she? She's beautiful and smart and sexy, and
I'm just a pathetic loser who wants to suck the toe-jam out of the
Jimmy Choos I just bought her last night online. She told me to make
reservations for 6 PM, so she could go clubbing afterwards without me.
Anyway, I sent a stretch Hummer to her house, with a case of Dom
Perignon and a gross of casablanca lilies in it, as she demanded, and
also she said, "If you're in the limo when it gets to me I will just
go back inside, and that's that." I met her at her favorite
restaurant, which also happens to be the most expensive one in LA. I
got there an hour early just to make sure everything was perfect. She
looked like a total princess, even though she was just wearing
sweatpants, an old N'Sync T shirt and flip-flops. "Whatever, why
would I want to get dressed up for a mama's-boy loser who's only good
for buying me things. If you want to see me in something nicer, buy
it for me, and maybe I'll think about it. And I could use some nice
jewelry and a few Judith Leiber bags too. God, don't you know how
totally important accessories are?"
I went to kiss her on the cheek and she made a face like she just
smelled shit. "Don't mess up my makeup."
"But Princess, you're not wearing any."
"Why would I waste time putting on makeup for such a pathetic
schmuck? Anyway, let's order"
Hold on that's my phone... That was my loan officer. Looks like
Princess is getting another Benz! This one has a Tiffany gear shift too.
Anyway, Princess ordered a bottle of Ketel One for starters, and 3
bottles '82 of Lafite Rothschild. Then she ordered the fifteen-course
tasting menu, but didn't eat any of it, and just sent it all back to
the kitchen. "That looks icky, what's next?"
I tried to talk to Princess about how much I needed her but she
mostly just ignored me and looked around the room for celebrities.
Fergie was there, and also some guy who's on MTV. After about 45
minutes, she said, "Well, I've wasted enough time with you, loser.
Thanks for the car, maybe if you buy me another one, I'll send you
the panties I'm wearing right now. Or not."
She picked up the unopened bottles of Ketel One and Lafite, and
walked out to her waiting limo without a another word.
It was the best night of my life, I love you Princess. The only
reason I get up in the morning is to make money to buy you things.
New callers who click and call will get 3 free minutes to spend with me.
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