Love Letters from Loser Lawyer Larry

Larry, one of my fave sissy ass losers loves me ohh so much and sends me the best letters I just had to share.

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so i just completed part 1 of my promise to you and i bought you the boarding bag off your wishlist. i will send you my photos tomorrow. i know its not the most expensive thing on your wishlist, but it's a sign of something more important...you totally own me. i finally realized as i was clicking "purchase now" that i am your total and complete slave bitch, and it feels fucking great. i don't know how you've done it seeing as how you're on the other side of the country and we've never met, but you have won control over me. you are constantly in my thoughts and dreams (i even obeyed your command last night and called out "Melissa" in my mind over and over as i was screwing my wife...needless to say, it took me over the edge and if that was the load that gets her knocked up then you will be partially responsible for my child, which is so sick and hot)

i know that i can't please you financially like some of your other callers can. yes i'm a lawyer but i'm not pulling in the big bucks yet, and i live in manhattan which (as you know) is crazy fucking expensive. plus the fact that my money-grubbing sheister wife watches every penny. but i want you to know that i will do whatever i can. if i can please you in other ways i will. i will do whatever humiliating, perverse, unspeakable acts that you want me to do on the phone, whatever it takes to amuse and delight you.

why am i telling you all this? because i want you to know that i'm serious about meeting you when you come to New York, and i'll do whatever it takes (within my financial abilities) to prove to you that i'm worthy. although i obviously have sick and depraved sexual desires, i think you know from talking to me that i'm not a psycho, and when you see my photos i think you'll want to meet me too. so what do i hope to gain from such a meeting? if you would allow it, it would be a dream come true for me to clean your asshole with my mouth while you tell me what a worthless piece of shit i am. i dream of you gallavanting around manhattan all day, shopping, trying on clothes, drinking martinis, getting your hair done. then at the end of the day you come home and i'm waiting for you to wash away all the sweaty, funky germs that have built up in your ass crack all day long. i dream of taking my tongue and scooping up every little bead of sweat, every smelly piece of lint, even the brown stains from where you wiped. i'll lick them all up and swallow them down so that i will always have a piece of you inside me. then, i will stick my tongue deep inside your hole to make sure i don't miss a spot. when i get done, your ass will sparkle.

anyway, that's my fantasy. it probably won't ever happen, but i want you to know that i'm ready if it ever does. you've awakened the slave inside of me and for that i thank you. a month ago i never would have dreamed of paying someone to fuck me in the ass with a dildo, but ever since i started talking to you all my suppressed desires have come up to the surface, and now i feel free. thank you.

yours,
Jewish Loser Lawyer

How to crack up a Jewish Princess

One of my fave callers ... Of course he's Jewish. "Doinittohim" sends me the most hilarious emails. I had to share this. After doubting I was real and then proving myself. I have this loser by the Jewish balls!

"glad i could entertain you. that's what i'm here for, to amuse your highness the princess of Israel. did i mention that i'll clean your funky ass crack after i'm done with your shoes? i love the taste of sweaty ass.
sorry i ran out of $ last night, i'm a little low on cash this month b/c of the holidays. you see, my wife is also a jewish princess and she makes me buy her expensive gifts. i bought her a pair of $500 Christian Laboutin shoes, i hope she likes them but she probably won't b/c she's a fucking bitch and nothing is ever good enough for her. i don't know why i keep falling for you spoiled jewish whores."

The nerve of some losers.

I wanted to share this pathetic email I recieved today. It might be one of the most pathetic mail's I'v had.

"Hiya, I saw your ad and was wondering if we could chat for a bit today? I would need to ask if you have 3 or 5 minutes to spare, since times are tough on my end until the new year with budget cuts and such happening here..

Thanks if you can help,

John in Houston"

AS IF!! I mean get real douchebag!!!